loss of words meaning + emotional disconnect

Ive been thinking a lot about why I am the way I am. For good and bad I believe being a Marine has had the most impact... To the core basic, I was trained for 6 years in how to kill. Physically it is fairly easy, emotionally not so.. In boot camp you are broken down from your normal being and trained/conditioned to accept something that society teaches you from the start is wrong. Throughout boot, you probably use the word kill 40-80 times a day.. how you ask... well, from things as simple as sweeping, everyone sweeps with a small brush to a cadence of "Sweep, and a response of Kill, Sweep Kill, Sweep, Kill". this is just one example, but after time the word itself loses its meaning. To this day I hear the word sweep, and my first thought is Kill. Very Pavlovian. By the end of thirteen weeks it is ingrained into you. By disassociating the word, you disassociate the act too. And in turn you end up disassociating your emotional connection. You learn to flip off your reception of emotion because it makes you a better Marine, because you put your own emotions on the back burner, and therefore become a better killer. Now, In my day I have seen and done some pretty messed up things. Things that 99% of our population don't want or need to see. Myself, like others I know, while we enjoy and hurtfully appreciate people thanking us for our service.. also sometimes feel ashamed, because we think that if people knew the kinds of things we have done, they would not feel the same toward us. We have learned to deal with these horrible things by putting them away, and not letting them affect us.. But in the end we come out of it, and as for myself I end up with the same emotional disconnect in other aspects of my life. I feel like I have dealt with some of my shit, but am still trying to figure out how to turn the switch back to on. Do I still love my Marine Corps, yes. And would I do it all over again, Hell Ya. Because for good and for bad I still bleed Camo Green. Semper Fi............ bitches!